The mother-shaped hole in my heart

She was my best friend in the entire world.

I miss her everyday, but I’ve especially missed her today, on her day.

It’s been a long week. I got through dads anniversary but then was hit with International Women’s Day which I found tough, because my mum was my inspiration. She fought hard throughout her whole life, and made the best of every situation, so when I think of inspiring women, I think of her.

As the week draws to an end, Mother’s Day arrives and the realisation that, not only do I not have my mother around to celebrate, but I also don’t have my husband around to encourage the kids to make a fuss of me as a Mum myself.

The mother-shaped hole in my heart feels bigger than ever.

As a parentless parent, I drift between feeling like an orphaned child and an adult mother. I have been forced to grow into this role of parent and doing it without my own parents guidance has been hard.

It still shocks me that Mother’s Day is now mine. Instead of feeling like my special day, the run up has felt lonely and isolating.

A feeling common to so many today.

To those who have lost their mothers and would give anything to send one more card. To those who have lost a child and will never again receive flowers or gifts, to those who are struggling to conceive and are unsure whether this day will ever be theirs.

I’ve had time to prepare for this, but it still stings and so I just want to reach out to the lonely on Mother’s Day, please know that you are not alone. Please know that I am thinking of you and that I recognise your pain.

Please know that I am here for you.

My only advice; just be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space and time you need. Of all days, today is one where you deserve to ask for some time to yourself, to think about your loved one. To cry, to talk about them, to get angry.

It’s not easy, and it’s okay that you’re struggling. You don’t have to be okay today. Today is just one day, and tomorrow it will be over. The pain wont go but the sting will lessen.

Today I will be sad, but I will also celebrate the gifts that my mother left me. My strength, my resilience, my taste in food, in music. I will love my children even harder, remembering her love for them. I will eat food she would enjoy, I’ll listen to music she would love and I will remember that no matter where i go and no matter who I am with, a part of her will always live within me, and within my children and that is my way of keeping her alive.

Hug your mamas and your children tight, always. Having that ability makes you the luckiest people on earth.

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